Surviving to Prepare

Hello.. Hello..

      You see life as a road ahead. When you are young you see relatives and family and friends just go through life dealing with family issues relationship issues or just daily issues in general that life brings to you. Work life and personal life.

As I got older and started being told what to do and how to do certain things. I did it because my great grandma needed help or my grandma needed help and I was like the only child that was around and everybody else was just stuck in school, being teenagers or working so there was there was nobody home and at that age, I had a lot of responsibilities and most of them my great grandma help me so we both helped each other and I didn’t realize it at the time but I am sure at the moment you do not know if you’re being prepped or prepared for life that’s coming at you. Just do what you need to do at the moment, doing chores or you are getting up early. I did not know doing your morning routines or just simple little things was life preparing you for what was to come. Now growing up you get in trouble, you pay the price, there are consequences and you get punished. As you get older, you go to school because you need to get educated to learn things to make your mind expand and times like that you do not see it. When you think about it now you look back on things and you are thankful. this is what you are supposed to be doing. You question yourself, you questioned a lot of people and you wonder why I am this way?

Sometimes you don’t really need an answer. Through the years I was going through a lot. It was every day for me that I normalized it and I did not like it but would not want it any other way. I was told what to do as a kid and now that I’m an adult and I have that sense of not wanting to be that way. I do not want to be told what to do.

I am more aware of who I am now. That was my preparation of being in a situation of hard work and being told what to do. I did learn from it to a certain point where it was just as an adult, I had to survive and I had no other choice. I did not questioned anything. It was not about being lazy, tired or lack of motivation. I did not think twice about any of that. Thinking about the outcome and fearing was a constant reminder of beliefs that were said to me. Hearing words as a young person was imbedded.

As an adult, you get a job, you work to have a roof over your head, food for you and your family, for transportation to get to work or to get groceries or/and take your children to school. That was just what life was to me.. But in the back of my mind I did not want it to be it.. And for a long time I blamed a lot of people. I did not like my life, I always wanted it.. I wished it was better.

Now that I’m running as an adult, I thought about a lot things. Reflection on my actions and for a long time I did not do what I just meant to be. I had kids it did not work out between their father and I and so I ended up raising my kids alone. My youngest was only three when we decided to not be together, and it was hard, the hard part was not raising my children or the hard part was not discipline. The hardest part was being grown-up and being on your own. Raising children was the part where getting a permanent job and being away from the children became a big priority. I did not want that, I wanted to be with my kids, I wanted to enjoy them and laugh with them and talk with them and just hang out with them. A choice I had to make. I had to work to have a roof over our heads to bring back food and I was the only one that was doing that. My children were all not old enough to work or anything so all that hard work from when I was a kid came into affect, survival mode. I did not quit and I did not give on life or give up on my children or most of all I did not give up on myself, I struggled trying to survive. At this point, going to the dollar store to try to get food that was cheap, that we can all eat. I managed to pay bills and stretching thing out to the next month became a skill. Saving from the last payday, in it was pretty hard because I did not learn any of that growing up, money management or saving. I did not know how to save. I did not know how to separate my bills and money and this was all survival. I had no other choice. The discipline or good habits were not there. Paying bills and getting food on the table was a goal.

I am that lady that wanted to eat out every night with a designer bag or shoes you know in order to drive a luxury car at that moment. I knew I had to change my life. My life was the same everyday, very basic life “normal” and I wanted more from that but at the moment that was what I had to deal with and what I can afford and what I was capable of producing and for a long time. I blamed my children’s father for leaving me in a mess and making me fend for myself but I realized that I got a lot of out of that relationship and I learned a lot from from him and being on my own and I can literally say and mean it that I am a strong independent woman I could never say that without believing in myself. I do not need anybody and sometimes of course I did need help at times but I just I managed to stay focused and recover. My kids are the most important to me, they have been there believing in me and helping me since day one.

My kids are older now and are adult kids now and they learned that struggling and trying to make ends meet, trying to budget and buying food and things like that I did not want them to struggle in life like that and I really had to change a lot of things about myself and my little family and I am very thankful now that I can say I am glad I did struggle all these years that I was living to survive. I realized to be be thankful, grateful for the life I lived, even though it was not the best years, I can say great memories were made and that keeps me going to where it’s better and no matter what you are going through right now, if there is a bottom, there is only one direction, up. And at the end, you know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is always something to fix, to do better everyday. And there is always something out there that it’s going to change. it just has a change from you first, you have to be the one to look at things in a positive way. Being aware.

I am turning things around, because of my children, they were the ones that would turn my negative into a positive every time I said something or I explained something or I would be talking about stories and they were turned around, I had no idea how they would do it but they did. And I am still learning. Most of my negatives have turned into positive and that is like a great thing for me and love that I told my story..

Everything that you are going through right now there is a reason behind it and it just has to come from you when you have to make that first step of forgiving someone or being thankful or being grateful for what you have. Already at this moment even though you want more, you wanting something better, you wanting something brighter or something that cost so much and all these things that that society wants us to do even though that not like the most important and priorities. just have to realize a lot of this is just a preparation for you and if you are willing to change then everything and everyone will change around you and it will benefit you. realizing a lot of things about yourself first and being aware.

It took me a long time to realize things like this and I just want things better for everybody and I just hope that my story inspires someone and I’m thankful to the ones that are reading my blog and I appreciate your support and I’ll be blogging more so thank you all for the support and lots of love and blessings to you..