Believe in Yourself

Hello there...

      I can see all the reasoning behind having a lot of responsibilities as a young child. One I was the only child born and young, enthusiastic and willing to do things. At the time I just did what I was told and did not thing twice about what I was told to do. Going back in my little time travel machine, I see now why and the reasoning behind all the responsibilities.

Yes, adults in that time period may have gone though some things and approached teachings or demands wrong, but at the time it was normal. Normalizing did work at that time and at that moment, but as a grown adult with a sensible mind now. Especially asking yourself why I am the way I am? it is hard to think about sometimes. Getting to the bottom of things may not be your question but for me it was. To figure out why I did the things I did.

As I grew and grew and got older and older, I started to think, Who believes in me? I did not have an answer. I am sure people around me wondered why a beautiful, talented, well-rounded person was not seeing who she was. What they saw. My grandmother and great-grandmother loved that I spoke my Native Language (Navajo/Dine' Language) And my mom directly never said I was beautiful, but she had her little subtle ways. Then here comes my Ex. Well he was a boyfriend for many years. He was a Auto Technician, Diesel Mechanic, Welder, Auto Body guy, Carpenter, you name it he could be anything he wanted to be. Very talented. I learned so much from him. And learned a lot from me. He was my biggest fan when it came to believing in me. Unfortunately, I never saw my worth when I was with him. Early 2015, that is when I noticed and he told me some things that made me think about how much he looked up to me. At this point were not together, maybe about 9 years apart and moving on. But we were still friends. It was not easy becoming his friend. So, back in 2015 we still had communication, he would text or call me and just randomly ask me to diag a vehicle he was working on. Oh gosh this man use to put me on the spot. A lot. Right away I would say, I don't know" but he did not take that answer from me. He would ask again and then add, "I know you know" So then, I would start to think about the question and answer him. He would laugh and say cool, I'll talk to you later. It was constant and I enjoyed that so much. Because thinking about it now, this man believed in me when I did not have one ounce of confidence in my answer. It is funny now because it is so much different now. He never directly told me he believed in me but he did. It has been 6 years and I never got another call or text and it does not even seem like that much time has passed by.

Then I met a few more people that have come through my life and gone, that have believed in me. But it never really stuck with me. I still was not a believer and slowly ventured on and did not think much of it. Living life, raising 3 children, working 2 jobs at times to make ends meet, trying to make it at a survivor. It was a lot of hard years but I never gave up on making a better life for myself and my little family. I wanted so much more and it was not happening. Struggle was my word of the day almost everyday. And I was so sick of it. I just knew I could be better and life could get better. At the time people would tell me that they did not know how I could do it. Or what makes you not quit. Or If that was me I would not be able to do it. Those words were not registering for me. I hear them and I understood, but for me it was normal to a point. Not having any other choice was most of my answers, because I did not want to fail. I wanted to succeed. But I just barely made it. Living paycheck to paycheck. Becoming the best Penny pincher ever. Not being wasteful and cooking all my dinners, teaching my daughters to start dinner and teaching them about money management. I wanted their lives to be different. Looking at my life as an example. I just did not understand where I was going wrong. It is strange to think about now. I saved money as much as I could to pay rent, my car, groceries and utilities. And we barely made it though the years. I did not drink alcohol or smoke anything addicting. I though that would have made a difference in my finances.

Now, lets go back a few years. My daughters have a way with words that made me think about how my life was going. They both are Psychology majors and I learned so much from what they learned and the research I did. It took years and years of convincing, planning and practicing to get to where I am today. I will do a blog on how I got to this level soon. It was not an easy task. I had rediscover myself, remember who I was, remind myself who I want to be, and why I was doing this. One of the biggest phrases I learned is "Believe in Yourself" there are others, be kind to yourself, know your worth, set boundaries, etc... But believing in yourself is one of the biggest. I knew I could do things and that is not the same thing. I knew I would never give up but believing in myself was a challenge. It is still a daily struggle but you have to think about what you learned and remind yourself who you are. The process does not end. But you feel amazing thinking about the progress and how you feel everyday.

Thank you reading and I hope you enjoyed the story. I believe in you and lots of Love and Blessings...