Hello..
Just a very shorty story today... I remember waking up early in the morning to quietness. My thought was very clear, I heard creaking in the floor and slowly the door opens and closes. I wake up and my great-grandmother is sitting by the fire. I ask her (in Navajo Language), "Where is everyone?" and She just tells me they are going to the store to get some things and they did not want to wake you. Before she even finishes what she was saying, I am running out the door. I hear the old motor start up on that Ford truck. They see me, but they back up and I start to cry and they leave. I end up crying till I can not see the truck anymore. So I just sit on the side of the house, hoping they would turn around. Moments later, my great-grandmother comes over to me and tell me not to cry and that she has something for me. So, I get up and go inside. A hiding place she keeps all her goodies.
As time passed, I grew older, but never lost that feeling of her leaving me. I would be with her in a store and just for a moment I am hanging on my grandmother's skirt and she turns a corner and I lost her. I am feeling so frightened. I start to run to the front of the store and my grandmother is right behind me, trying to call my name. Thinking about that now, it is pretty crazy. I always had a strange feeling of them leaving me. As I got a little older it did not affect me as much and I was always left at home. That did not bother me so much.
In my future relationships, I always had that feeling of being left for just getting tired of me. I just did not see a future with any of the relationships and it was hard to feel like the relationship was not going to last. I was young and I did not know why I had thoughts like that. It was about them understanding my situation and supporting me. That is what I learned, read and researched today. I have a better understanding of who I am and where I came from. Life as a child only had one emotions. Pain. You just take it and endure all that pain, because it is normal, you are told. Sometimes you sit alone and wonder why there are books, stories and movies with all that happiness. Everyone smiling and happy. But as you grow older you start to understand you have a choice to smile, feel happy or even laugh. Just growing with no kisses, no hugs or no sign of love, you tend to keep your feelings locked up.
I am getting better as I get older. My children get so much love from me and their father and also family. I wanted life to be different for them. They are proof they have a lot of love, respect and support. I am not bitter about how I grew up. I completely understand the late Seventies and Early Eighties were a time of struggle. For some families it was a hard time and it was a big struggle. It was a survival period.
I hope you can see what I see. Thank you for reading and lots of Love and Blessings...
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