Changing Normalization

Yá'át'ééh!

      It has been a long road to my transition. All for the best and for my journey in life. It has been a lot of reading, research and reflecting. I appreciate my grown children and their wisdom in learning more from them. That have opened my eyes to so many wonderful ventures and I love it. I would not change a thing about the life I lived.

I want to start by saying that if this triggers you, I apologize ahead of time. It is hard for me to think about. And thank you for taking time to read my blog this week. A’héhéé :)

Being raised by my Great-Grandmother and my Grandmother was the best. Taught me hard work, respect and helping each other. Since everyone around me had things to do and just always doing something, I guess you could say growing up I did not get attention as much as I should have. I remember a lot of my time was spent being alone. And when I got hurt I was told to shake it off and no crying. That’s what makes you tough. I was told that a lot. So growing up if I tripped or fell down, I just tried to hold my tears back and endured the pain and tried to act like I was okay. Or the times I got in trouble. Honestly, I do not know why I would get in trouble but I got a belt to my behind and I would cry but was told to stay quiet. Family members had a part in that not my grandmother. Oh how I just wanted to go away. My great-grandmother would try and defend (oh I am sure it would break her heart everytime) Because she was my best friend.

But as I grew older I started to have a mouth on me. So I got in more trouble. I now know that I did not deal with anger very well. If I felt pain I would just get upset. If I was afraid I would just get upset. And at that time I did not know any of this. I just wanted everyone to leave me alone and let me be me. Around this time my mother took me back into her care. I was maybe about 11-years-old and considered a problematic child. I think I was just misunderstood. I was told to stay quiet all the time. I enjoy talking and talking going a round and round about nothing. Not have a point but that was me. Most of the time I was kept quiet and told to be tough.

As I grew older I still did not show my vulnerable side. I was set on being tough and not crying or saying what was bothering me. (It is a little strange to think about it now.) It was easy not showing it because I got so use to being that way and it got normalized.

So for me failing, crying or hurting was not an option. Being a victim was not on the table. Which is a bad thing. Because you tend to think everything is your fault and you are not the victim some cases. So you tolerate abuse or being put in situations where you are verbally abused. You just take it and move on from it. Which in today’s world is not acceptable. It should have never been but in my little world is was normal..

I learned from a young age to not cry, never fail and never make a mistake. It put a lot of stress on me. That I created myself. I had to unlearn all that. I had to become a better version of myself. I had to be a better mother. And here I am, living life telling my story and hoping for change. Life is what you make it. It comes from your thought process, your mentality and how you think of yourself..

I hope you enjoyed my Blog this week. And thank you so much.. A’héhéé lots of love and bless to you..