Defined Strength

Hello...

      Have another short story for you..   Taking on more than you think at a young age is not measured. Waking up early to help with the lambs and goats with grandma was made very rewarding for me. It taught me to be responsible and consistent. Although, at that time I did not know what is was teaching me. An uncle who would wake me up very rudely with water or just loud banging and if there was snow outside, he would carry me outside and put me in the snow. So it was not fun to wake up like that. I got punch in the arm a lot, and uncles would say, ”you gotta be tough ” or say ”you have to have hard tough arms.” Not putting into consideration that I am a little girl. I was the only child born in the past 10 years so it was new to everyone. I understand that now.

If you have not read my other Blogs. I was raised by my great-grandmother and my grandmother. I did not know who my mom was till later on. So I grew up around women. My great-grandmother was not married and My grandma did not have a partner, so there were no strong male role models in my life. I had uncles but they had their own journey and started own families. I could not look up to them as father figures. At that point in my life, I was a child and I never thought of a father. I just had my great-grandmother and spending all my time with her. My grandma was always on the run and hardly ever home. I only saw her in the evening and at night.

As I got older and started school, I started to wonder why other classmates had fathers picking them up, making cards on Father’s Day or the children talking about their dads. I had questions and I wondered where my father was. My questions were never answered. But I did not feel any resentment or betrayal at this point. I was young and could not feel a certain way. And asking questions was not allowed. So I did not think twice about it and moved on with my childhood.

But as time moved on and I grew older, I started to develop a curiosity and I needed answers. I was told who my mom was and what happened to my father. It was strange to hear but I wanted to know. At this point, I already had a perspective on men and what their role was.

I basically was already doing everything a boy my age could do. I was chopping wood, lugging buckets of coal, and helping with starting a fire or maintaining things around the house. Hauling water, cleaning the yard, or attending to the animals. At the time, it was all normal to me and I just thought it was my duties to do what I was told. I witnessed all the women in the family did everything. As I grew older, I somehow normalized women taking both roles, not by choice.

For that reason I grew up drawing lines, setting bars high and having high expectations for all relationships. It always did not work in my favor and I often wondered why I was that way. I tried to think that I saw potential in the person I expected so much from the person and they did not meet my expectation. That was never a good thing for me. It often started arguments or disagreements. It was a one sided vision and looking at my life and what I’ve gone through, the sacrifices and the choices I had to make, I only saw my side, a women’s point of view. And I did not give anyone a chance to even try with me. I never gave up on anything. I made everything work for me. I did what I could to make my journey what it is today. My little family I struggled for. Many nights, I would be in bed trying to sleep with tears running down my face, wanting to give up. But I knew I was better than that and I wanted to be better.

My conclusion as I started to become aware of all the why’s. I started to realize that I did not have a male role model in my life to set certain boundaries or male perspective on life, direction and priorities. Males did not stand a chance because growing up how I grew up, I did not see a man providing for a family. I did not see a Man protecting his family. I did not see a man showing a family security. I did not see a man showing support physically or emotionally. I did not see leadership in a Man. I did not see partnership. I did not see a Man’s love. It was very sad to realize all that.

But once I had my son, I had to change my mindset and change my thought process. I was raising a male and that was rare. I come from a family of females and so it was all new to me. But as I raised my son and provided for him, we developed a great relationship. My perspective on Men changed because of my son. I know it took me a long time to realize but I am very thankful for my son. He is the game changer for me.

I hope you enjoyed that story. Just a little peak into my life on why I am Miranda. Thank you and lots of Love and Blessings to you...