Hello.. yá'át'ééh'...
I am happy to be back on here. Enjoy writing. And today my blog is about a conversation about my life as a single mother and how I had no choice but to support and be there for my children. I became a very strong, determined, and demanding woman. At the time, I had to do what I needed to do to survive and manage my little family. I took everything on and I did not want to move back home. If I did not try that would have been the case. To me it felt like I was a failure and I did not like that feeling. The struggle I endured made me able to adapt to change, never giving up and always having an optimistic mindset. But to some that was too much. I have been accused of being too demanding, too much or I act like a "Man". The last one was a bit funny. I apparently did not give a man a chance to be a man and I emasculated them. I promise, it was not intentional. I just had to do what I needed to do to keep my children safe, make sure they had a place to live and something to eat.
I was around strong independent women who got things done and did not wait for anyone. They also raised their children without a man supporting them. Of course, they did not say to emasculate or crush a man. I just was capable of doing more than the average woman could do. I got the notion I did not need a Man around, that I was able to fix my water leaks, learning my way around a motor and determined to work 2 jobs sometimes to make ends meet. I had partners and people I was involved with but they had their own issues they were dealing with and so I took on the responsibility to take care of my children and raise them. I never thought that being this way was wrong or not necessarily wrong but my feminine side was lacking and my masculine side was on high alert. It is very entertaining now writing about it.
My life went on and nobody ever said to chill out. I had to stay strong and I did not want to give up. At that time, making sure I had a place to live, food to eat and my children to be safe. I was able to accomplish that. I could not depend on anyone to help me or pay my bills. Especially people who were suppose to be there for me and my children. I understand I should have sat back and let a man do what he needs to do, but I was such a control freak that I figured it would not be done or done the way I want it. It was so hard for me to let my guard down and trust to get something paid or to be consistent in what needs to be done. So being the way I am, wanting everything done and to never give up anything, I offended and I portrayed myself as being better than or I was on my "high horse." I laugh at that one.
But you know I do understand. I lost my femininity a long time ago. I was not raised by a man or a father figure around me. I had a couple uncles but not very good role models. I am not trying to make excuses for the men in my life growing up, but we ( the women) in the family did not give the men in the families a chance. Growing up as a child, I saw and witnessed too much. I am not trying to excuse my attitude but it just made me become a very hard, close-minded person and I just thought I knew everything I needed to know. I would not admit failure, fear or regret. My children got the worse part of who I was at that time. I understood what I was doing but I thought I was not harming anyone. In reality, I was harming everyone around me and also myself. I do apologize if you did meet me at that time. My intentions are pure. I only wanted my children to have stability and be safe.
It has been a long ride of unraveling what has been done and said. I have dealt with my feelings and being accountable for my part. I understand at the time I was in a bad place and I allowed it. I look back and think to myself, "what was I doing?" But I am so much better today. I first had to become of aware of my thought process and my what I want to accomplish. Then comes be accountable for everything that was done, said and what I did and said. I had to forgive everyone and also being hard on myself. I did so much research and I had to make a plan, setting goals to be a better person spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Making a life style change was difficult, but I just had to be disciplined and determined. There were plenty of times I had to start all over and it was disappointing but I did not quit.
I know my mental state had a lot to do with my mentality. I did a lot to survive and I learned a lot going through my life. But one thing I always say is, "do not water yourself down if they cannot handle you at 100 proof"
It took years to know what peace means or even self care. I was always looking out for everyone else and I neglected myself. I work on thinking about me every single day. I enjoy being a grandmother, being a mama, being a sister and being a daughter. I am grateful everyday and journaling helps my mind settle. Meditation and Prayers are a very important part of my morning. I enjoy waking up every morning and having a purpose. Thank you.. A'hé'heé for reading my Blog this evening. Lots of Love and Blessings to you
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